Five Failed Food Names

Onion Heart

Finishing the first hundred post was amazingly gratifying. The blog evolved over the years, but always stayed true it its values. To kick of the next hundred posts I am starting with a more philosophical approach to food; this time some unfortunate names of the food industry. Food industry has evolved. Evolved significantly. From the hunting to just going to the neighbor to trade goods, to the stores that sell foods to the modernization of the ready made foods. The industrial revolution. The food prices drops, the quantities increases and the competition among vendors grows. And that s the beginning of marketing, the beginning of a new era in the food industry. Targeting special groups, the vegans, the low fat, the high protein, the low sugar and the list becomes bigger and bigger.

And to attract attention in the messy huge aisles in a super market you have to be creative in what consumer group you are aiming at, how you market it and most important how you name it. The naming scheme has been very creative. Creative, but some names have failed dramatically. this post is about all these food items that their name implies something horrifying something strange something from the outer space… And the wield thing is that these names have been so much part of our culture that we use them like they actually make sense.
  1. Soy Milk. Abomination. This is it. Milk from a plant? Mammals is a word that literaly means creatures of breast. At the basic definition milk is just a white opaque liquid that is excreted by the mammary glans of mamals. So unless soy bean is can grow tits that you can milk, you have no right to call this milk ok? I know some people will say that the term applies to some extend to all naturally occurring plant white opaque liquids like sap. Even in this case soy has nothing to do with it… It is a mash of beans mixed with water and strained. Has nothing to do with milk. Nothing. It is not even white. It is just an bean wash. That’s all what it is. A bean wash. Needless to say that this applies to all milk names, almond milk, cashew milk etc.
  2. Chicken Dog. Really? Chicken dog? A frank that is made out of chicken meat. You could name it chicken frank. But i guess this names implies a chicken named frank that is something that we can definalty get emotionally attached too; it has a name. Attached to it enough not to eat. You can also call it frank chicken. But then eating a honest chicken…? No! Not a good idea. So lets just call it chicken dog. This is a name implying a horrifying mutation. A dog crossed with a chicken. How does ths animal look? Four legs with feathers and a beak? or is it a two legged creature with fur and dogtooths? And does it bark? And most importantly why do we eat it? And where are the farms that raise these prehistoric animals. I need to get a photo and if possible a skull for my wired animal collection.
  3. Beefsteak tomato. Oh my goodness. As the previous name was not really creepy they invented another one that is even more. See this one is a cross between an animal and a plant. I did not know that science has progressed so much. Crossing an animal with with a plant. Actually if you think about it, it is even grosser. It is a animal part with a plant. At least they are not specific to the cut. NY strip beef steak tomato or T-bone tomato. I know it was made to intricate the size of the tomato. A large red tomato. There are many large red things around you don’t call them beefsteaks.
  4. Tofurkey. This is the exact opposite of number 3. Here we have the sick crossing between a processed vegetarian food (the cheese of the soy milk) and a turkey. This is an absurd name. I know they tried to get a vegetarian turkey for thanksgiving etc etc. Well let’s set one think straight: Turkey by default is meat ok? It is meat. If you are not heaving turkey you are not having turkey. And this brings on of my major disagreements with all the people that buy vegetarian substitute of meat products, turkey, sausage, cheese, meatballs… It is simple if you wanna be vegetarian be; but try to eat vegetarian stuff, fruits veggies and strange nuts. I never understood this.
  5. Homestyle. This is not a failed name due to an incobatibilty between the two words as were the previous, but because it is the biggest scam in the history of food industry. Homestlye. So it is addressed to foods 99% of them packed in a can, that resample what we cook at home right? Right. Of course for this we have to assume that all of us cook in the same way: lot’s of salt, overcooked veggies, the nastier pieces of meat and once we are done cooking we put then in a can. Yes that is the common denominator. So call it what it really is: same old stuff in a different packaging. I have to give credit though, they use larger pieces of veggies and meat, so you actually see what you are eating. Homestyle…

Of course the list grows more and more… Everyday a marketing guy will come up with a new name that crosses two items that have nothing in common in an effort to catch your eye. Look around the crockery store aisles. The more you look the less sense things make. From vegeterian chili to cheese strings. Marketing and innovation is good but it has its limits, especially when it insults the food and the intelligence of the consumer. I am sure I will be coming back to this topic s onetime in the future.

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Last modified: December 16, 2021 by Georgios Pyrgiotakis